Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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