the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
