Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
