Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
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Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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