i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
