Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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