What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
