The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
