I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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