Your mouth is God's brothel.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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