we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
