No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
