Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
