I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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