Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
