The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
