Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
