You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
