last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
as a side note pls kill me
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