we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I wish there were birth control emojis
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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