Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
