Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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