Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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