So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
