I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Randomize
