and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
