a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Come on in and take your pants off
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