i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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