My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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