you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
