I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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