i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
