He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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