Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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