Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
