It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
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He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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