Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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