just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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