You really coming over, don't trick.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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