I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
