party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
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The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just want nice things and good sex
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
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Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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