Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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