I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
