is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
