i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
