I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
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It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?