so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
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who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
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It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.