Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.