smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.