I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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