flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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