Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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