The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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