I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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