i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
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I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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