The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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