Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
