Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
