if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
