roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
