see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
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